08the god of centralized air conditioning
Coming from the scorching summers in Phoenix and New Orleans, I always was extremely proud to never be frazzled by heat. While my friends would have droplets rolling from every crease, I maintained a cool and collected demeanor and brushed off the heat with a casual flip of my hair (those who know me can easily attest to this). Not to mention, I would berate my friends for their endless complaints and commandeer power by stating, “This? Oh, it’s nothing!” I now take this all back a thousand times over.
I have never known a city, spa, or moment to be so utterly excruciating as is the heat in NYC right now. Why you ask is the weather in NYC so much worse than my many summers with 120 degree heat? Three words. Centralized air conditioning. Even though New York seems to be a highly modernized city at first glance, many buildings lack centralized air, regardless of the price range you pay for your apartment! It’s death. It seems since people are willing to pay such high prices with or without ac, why should these kind landlords think to install air conditioning? Some people reason that it’s because there is no room for air conditioning units outside buildings, but I beg to differ. I would gladly change a few extra square feet of space to avoid the infernos of hell in my apartment building. It’s worthy of treason and as a resident of the upper east side, I become accosted by sauna living.
I now understand why Kramer went to such great lengths to get the illegal air conditioning unit for Jerry! I would do the same and am currently looking for a Kramer of my own to bring my sanity back with a little cool air. For those of you outside New York, appreciate air conditioning in all its glory. It’s never the same when you have some cheap unit working overtime hanging from your window. Not to mention, it brings up a host of issues for the slightly OCD. To name a few of my recent musings all in response to this grave sacrifice…..
…if I leave it on during the day will it actually bring some cold air to the apartment?
…….is there a best plan of action to get circulation going throughout the household?
…………can bed bugs live inside these units?
……………will the air conditioning unit damage the heater nearby?
………………..finally, why the fuck did they not just install these units in the first place?
As I groggily make my way around New York, don’t be surprised by the new Jessica, damp clothing and all. On a positive note, maybe my skin will benefit from this constant state of moisture? That’s the rational I’m trying to stand by as I shimmy off my third outfit for the day. God of centralized air conditioning, I will forever adore you from here on out. Amen.
-J
